What Could Have Been
by Dabbled-at-Euchre
Summary: An OC who almost joined the department questions his life choices and dreams himself in an AU version of early season 5. Now Complete.
1. Chapter 1-One Night at Molly's

The alarm had blared at 4:20 AM. I'd gotten up from a very deep rest, put on my turnout gear and staggered onto Truck 81. I was sure it was going to be another false alarm or at the absolute worst a dumpster fire.

Then I heard Severide on the radio "Squad Three at 1414 Lardner. Smoke showing." I knew my only option was to let the adrenaline take over. But at the time I didn't know that wouldn't be enough…

Actually, I'd better start at the beginning.

It started the evening after we got back from our vacation. Joyce went out with some friends. The next day I'd have to go back to the office. The thought filled me with dread.

I really began second guessing myself for taking that dufus job. I decided to do something about it so I walked to the el [elevated train] to ride to Molly's. It was cold (early November of 2016) but not too cold.

At Molly's it was a slack night few customers. Otis was tending the bar. He looked up and greeted me. "Hey Tyco. Nice tan."

I nodded and explained. "Wife and I took a Caribbean cruise. Pictures on Facebook."

I'd been dropping by Molly's every few weeks. Usually sat near firefighters or with firefighters and listened in on shop talk. I'd once let them coax out of me that I'd been a National Park firefighter out west one summer. But I usually just listened, sometimes buying one round for the firefighters I was listening to.

That night I just sat in the back and had one drink. No good talk to listen to.

Maybe I seemed morose. Maybe Otis felt social. Eventually he came over to check on me. "Care to talk about it?" he asked.

"Little over eight years back I had two job offers. I'm wondering just how I wound up with the wrong choice."

"What was the other job?"

"The Fire Department."

"That was my training class. High five almost classmate."

We high fived.

"I'm still not that old. I could reapply."

I'd checked. The rule was you could get hired if you were under 38 years old when your training class started.

Otis shrugged. "The department is a great job. If you like living intensely with your crew and getting up in the middle of the night to go pull people out of burning buildings before the ceiling falls on you."

I nodded and had another sip.

After a pause he continued "Truth is it's pretty incomprehensible until the danger is right in front of you."

I replied "That's straight out of one of your old podcasts."

He smiled "I thought the phrasing came easy."

"Next you say 'and the risk of injury or worse becomes reality.'"

"You like my podcasts?"

"I was one of your first 700 followers."

I felt reassured because my courage had been tested that summer I'd fought wildfires. My crew had gotten into one particular hairy situation when the wind suddenly picked up and the fire jumped over our fire line leaving us cut off. But I stayed calm on the outside (screaming on the inside) and we found a path out that wasn't too bad.

We heard a call of "Bartender" from the other end of the bar.

Otis said "Sorry." I nodded understandingly.

Exactly why had I chosen the security of the office job over a life of service and excitement? I couldn't exactly remember. I think it had something to do with avoiding the "frat house" atmosphere of the firehouse. Little had I known what a morass of office politics and frat house behavior the office would develop into. I was ready for a change.

I knew I could do it physically. During my summer as a National Park firefighter I hadn't noticed one of my running shoes had gotten a hole till too late. Wound up with Plantar Fasciitis, a fancy word meaning I had some swelling in my foot that caused pain. The biggest disgrace to a firefighter is not being able to perform on the fire ground. But I didn't say a word. Just wore my heavy boots and toughed out the final month like a big, tough firefighter. (Took a while for my foot to heal after toughing that out and fighting those last couple fires.)

I paid my tab and walked to the el. A quote from another of Otis' podcasts came to mind. "Sometimes there are memories you wish you could forget. Like the first time you see a fatal car crash… Given enough time painful memories fade. But for those of us on the job we don't have that time. We see tragedies every day. We learn to cope. But there are some calls man. They rub you so raw you just can't shake it."

Well I supposed I learn to cope to if I did it. Wasn't sure how.

Joyce and I got home at the same time. We brushed our teeth and went to bed. She fell right asleep since we'd gotten up early that morning to fly back (only to wait while our flight was delayed.) But I started wondering not so much what would happen if I got the job next year but what would have happened if I'd gotten on years ago.

I must have kept wondering it when I went to sleep because I remember dreaming about the life I could have picked. The weirdest part wasn't the dream it was how clearly I remember it.

Author's Notes-Don't worry, Tycho will not turn into a Mary Sue [wish fulfillment character.]

The quotes from Otis's podcasts are from the season one DVD extras, podcasts 12 and 1 respectively.


	2. Chapter 2-Back at the Firehouse

My alarm rang and I muted it before Joyce woke. Then took a shower. Then got dressed and had coffee, grapefruit and microwaved a burrito I made with a bean and vegetable mix.

I caught the el. It was my first shift since vacation and none of them had seen my tan. I figured that would be the first topic.

Walked four long and two short blocks to 51. Some of the crew was outside talking.

Hermann spotted me first "Hey Tycho! Do you glow in the dark with a tan like that?"

Otis said "I saw it on Facebook but I didn't believe it till I saw it for myself. I thought you'd been photo shopped."

So I smiled sheepishly. Then asked "Did I miss much?"

Otis replied "Just false alarms and a car fire."

Hermann said "Tell us about the cruise."

Stella Kidd came over and grinned "Yeah. Were there a lot of hot guys lounging by the pool?"

I shrugged "Hot gals, hot guys. But I just went over to be with Joyce."

Hermann nodded appreciatively "No point cheating on a wife like that."

Mouch concurred but went the other route "Yeah, women like that are scary." We all grinned.

Dawson came over with her stethoscope on to look more paramedical. She put her head on her fist and made a show of looking me up and down. "Well the good news is you don't need to worry about being a little burned in a fire today. Cause you already are."

Later Casey said "Tycho. Good to have you back. How are you doing?"

Oh great I knew he was starting to suspect but I just nodded and said "Ready to be back. Hear you didn't have any good fires. Glad you saved them for me."

We began to get our turn out gear to the truck relieving the off going shift. Mine was still in the closet where I left it. I set the helmet, boots, bunker pants and coat in my usual spot. (The gloves and Nomex hood were in pockets in the coat.)

My gear said "TYCHO" on it. Most firefighters are known at the scene by their last name or their nickname and have their last name on their coats. Mouch's had "MOUCH" on his coat because he had accepted the nickname. I had also accepted my nickname, although it's was the unusualness of my legal first name that made it into a nickname. (I didn't like being teased for it growing up. Thanks Mom. But now I wondered if I should be glad it shielded me from getting a worse firehouse nickname.)

Our seating order on the truck was-

Otis (driver) Casey (Lieutenant)

Me Kidd

Mouch Hermann

(Maybe I should type the middle row upside down since we sat facing Mouch and Hermann. But not sure how to do that on this word processor.)

First we did housework. I swept and mopped the kitchen and dayroom.

Then we drilled. We had a very experienced crew. I wondered if Casey just drills us for the precedent in case he'd need to drill us on something someday. We put on our turn out gear and air harnesses (but didn't mask up) and took some of the less often used ladders off the truck and practiced raising and lowering them. Casey switched the partners around a few times, made sure to take his turn with the rest of us.

The alarm blared. "Truck 81. Engine 51. Ambulance 61. Battalion 25. Engine 37. Freeway crash on the median with injuries. Caller suspects car will explode." As dispatch gave the exact location, we returned the 50 foot ladder and sped off.

We drove out (chief first then ambulance then engine then us.) We got on the freeway. The state troopers must have been responding from farther away because they followed us.

At the scene Boden parked the chief's vehicle behind the accident but left room for the engine to park in front of him. We parked behind Boden at an angle to block traffic. The ambulance parked in front of the accident for easy loading and drive off. The troopers parked behind us.

Neither car had exploded. The callers had probably seen too many action movies/ TV shows. Boden got on the radio and canceled Engine 37.

We all hopped off the rig still in our turn out gear (but no masks or air tanks.) Two vehicles involved. The first one we approached was a blue station wagon. Damage on the passenger side. The boy in the passenger seat looked about 12 and kind of bloody. The driver, obviously his mom, was a large woman screaming hysterically.

Mouch and Kidd began opening the passenger door with their tools. Meanwhile Casey went to the driver's side and talked in a loud voice but with a calming tone "It's OK. Help is here. Two topnotch hospital trained paramedics." Dawson and Brett come back and began working on her son.

Hermann led me and Otis forward to check the green pickup truck. The driver's side and the front were smashed in. We took a look inside and knew instantly why Dawson and Brett passed this one up. Two bodies, the heads smashed in. The smell of deep personal odors mixed with beer despite it being early.

There is absolutely nothing we could do for either of them. Which was too bad for them. Also for me. As the adrenaline rush I'd gotten began to fade I felt a strong urge to vomit from the smell and the sight. I'd dealt with it before, and knew the best cure is to get busy at the job. But counting all four units there were 14 of us here with only a few of us having something to do.

I couldn't walk to the median and hurl. I was a big tough firefighter. Firefighters don't throw up for routine gore. So I acted like it doesn't bother me. Easy enough to find role models. No one else from station 51 acted like they're bothered. They were somber, in the presence of the dead and gawkers who could catch video of them and report them as insensitive. But not bothered. So I was in my fake it till I make it mode and acted unbothered too.

Except. I wondered "after over eight years with the department how long will it be till I make it and become the big tough firefighter I act like?" I tried not to dwell on that. I got a pike pole from the rig. Unneeded for rescue, needed so I could lean on it as I stood there like an ancient warrior leaning on his spear. I gawked the gawkers with the corner of my eye.

Freaking curious, they slowed down and stared as they drive by.

Soon Dawson and Brett had the patient worked up enough to travel and threw him in the ambulance. Casey helped the mother in beside him. Dawson drove, Brett monitored the patient and they ran their siren as they raced off.

Just before we could go back into service and make our get away, a vehicle from the Medical Examiner's office arrived. The two attendants stoically accepted their fate, although they asked Casey "Can your guys pull the door?"

Casey asked if we've all had enough practice with the Jaws of Life. I exaggerated slightly and nodded along with Otis. So Kidd, the youngest, takes the Jaws and rescues the bodies while Hermann watches that she handles it right.

Meanwhile my gawking the gawkers had stopped working. I felt the need to hurl again. I took a deep breath and started thinking about baseball. I managed to make it work till we went back in service and pulled out.

Maybe I should have asked one of the guys how they do it. But a tough firefighter would never admit weakness. He's a classic tough guy, like from a Western. Even our women firefighters are classic tough guys.

Our paramedics are on a different standard, because they don't actually have to go into fires and are otherwise expected to be in less danger. But they're tough guys too. I've seen Gabriella Dawson lose two patients at a messy accident and move on, totally unflappable to save the third. John Wayne himself couldn't have done better.

On the way back Hermann and Kidd joked about the incident. It's their way of coping, however inappropriate and gross the jokes would seem to a civilian. Mouch chuckled. I ran through the list ofAmerican Presidents from George Washington on by the time I got to James Garfield I was ok. By then further jokes would be unneeded as the incident has been coped with. Also unfunny, as they'd worked through all the possible humor of the situation.

At the [fire] house it was business as usual. Casey didn't resume the drill.

I'd announced I was opting out of the crew meals. I'd been trying to stay in and only eat items that fit my diet. But that hadn't been working well enough so I was out.

The doctor told me with my diabetes I needed to eat at regular times. But I always ate with the crew (unless I was filling in at a house where they just buy their own at gas stations or sub shops.) So I waited till their lunch is ready. It was the closest I could come to being part of the group.

The doctor also told me to avoid stress and get regular sleep. Neither of those was going well either. On the plus side I was getting regular exercise and managing my weight.

Forty minutes after I like to eat Capp yelled "Come and get it." I waited till they start to sit down then I got my stuff from the fridge and sat down.

Otis pointedly looked at me and said "What the… "[Heck]!

So I replied "I'm eating with my crew."

Hermann said "No. We're eating watermelon and Capp's sloppy joes with a" he made air quotes "secret ingredient that tastes exactly like garlic. You're eating some pasta vegetable mix with a homemade smoothie. You're not with us, you're just next to us."

(Apparently Hermann's culinary experience did not train him to identify an Italian pasta salad.)

Mouch glanced over "You're crew-adjacent."

Otis said "Misery loves company. If you had to eat these Joes and watermelon you'd appreciate that."

I shrugged. With the give and take of these insults it was time to counter punch. But I had nada. I lacked the instincts for these encounters. So I just said "Sorry guys. My doc put me on a certain diet so I can keep pulling my weight on runs. You do want that?"

Hermann grinned "Actually I want you to pull Mouch's weight."

Mouch said "Hey with my decades of experience I'm an asset."

Otis looked critically at Mouch's waist "You've got decades in there."

Mouch glared good naturedly and the spotlight was off me.

But this adolescent sparring wasn't for me. It's the real reason I'd slid through six firehouses in just over eight years. I was tempted to look for another transfer opportunity. But this house was convenient to my apartment by el train.

Besides, what good would that have done? I'd be in another house that would be absolutely the same. I'm the one that didn't fit. But I figured I could tough it out till retirement. I was a tough firefighter.

Meanwhile the conversation swung back to me.

Otis said "Well, at least with Tycho out of the food rotation we don't have to eat his cooking."

Hermann said "Well Tycho's Chicken Chili wasn't as bad a disaster as his others. Mouch liked it."

Mouch snorted "Me? No I just liked an excuse to gobble the crackers."

As the meal continued they thoroughly eviscerated Capp's cooking. Apparently he fit in the firehouse culture, he showed no pain, taking their opinions with a pinch of salt. (Actually a bucket's worth.)

No one ever admitted to liking anyone else's cooking. It was confusing. Someone had to be better than others. (Actually they did occasionally admit to liking the cooking of firefighters who weren't here anymore. Peter Mill's cooking was spoken of respectfully. But if he was still here they'd say "Burgundy sauce with the Brisket again?")

Later Otis asked "So Tycho what's with the new shoes?"

I looked down at my no lace shoes and explained "I'm trying slip-ons. Maybe they'll be faster to take off when I need to get my boots on." [For a fire.]

"Un-hunh."

"Besides now you guys can't tie my shoes together again."

"Like the color. Stylish."

After lunch I surfed on my phone. Otis and Kidd did the dishes. Then Otis came over and sat a few feet away from me and asked me about the cruise ship. About the furnishings and the meals. The view from our cabin.

I thought he was just friendly. Later I got up to go to the bathroom and fell as I took my first step "What the… [Heck]!"

Then I looked at my shoes. While I'd been telling Otis about the ship someone had tied my shoes together with a bungee cord. The obligatory round of laughter started.

I was careful not to blow my top. I'd learned the hard way that just encouraged jerks like that. So I just asked "What if we'd had a run?"

Otis explained "It unties easily enough."

It did now that I took a good look at it. Let's see, Otis was sitting just too far away so he was the decoy, not the one who tied them. That one was, let's see… any one of them.

Took me a few minutes of slow breathing before I was as calm as I looked.

After lunch a sitcom came on the TV. I let myself get into it knowing what's probably going to happen.

It did. The alarm blared. We all hopped on the rigs for a fire on the eighth floor of an apartment building. Gallant heroes, we drove lights and sirens. I had a good buzz from the adrenaline as we took the elevator to the seventh floor. I lugged my turn out gear and the five gallon extinguisher to the stairs then to the eight floor. No smoke anywhere.

Eventually we figured out we got called because someone's toaster burned the toast enough to make a little smoke. Back to the house.

The show was long over. And I will never know how she explained that to her boyfriend. I wished we'd just watch talk shows. Then I never felt disappointed when I didn't know how they end.

I went to the restroom and sat in a stall. No, not for the obvious reason. I pricked myself so I could test my blood glucose levels. I was doing OK. I flushed unnecessarily and went back.

Between runs I sat with my phone. Then with an old mystery novel.

Their dinner was meatloaf. I microwaved some casserole made with tomatoes/okra/lima beans/onion/spices (no meat) and drank a kale smoothie. Mouch and Otis loudly asked if I had any leftovers to share to save them from the meatloaf, with such apparent seriousness that I almost believed them even though I knew better.

The Blackhawks game was on the tube. We watched. In the background dispatch was busy sending units on calls all over the place. Early in the second period we got sent on a "person down" run.

It was for a woman at the entrance to a convenience store. When Casey talked with her she sounded out of it. But her vitals were decent enough. When Otis took her pulse he found a medic alert tag-diabetes. He immediately asked "Ma'am. What do you usually eat or drink when you feel yourself crashing?"

"Grape soda." She said.

"What brand?"

"Any."

Otis felt his pocket from the outside. Probably checking he'd brought his wallet. Then he went in the store and emerged with a grape soda that he opened and handed her.

She was conscious enough to slowly drink it. She was starting to appear more lucid by the time an ambulance from another battalion finally got there and released us.

Back at the house we watched the end of the game. I went to bed at 11. Fell asleep immediately. Woke up at 12:15 (my watch has a luminous dial.) Tried to go back to sleep. But with five rigs in this firehouse we had 18 sleepers. Times like this it seemed like me and 17 snorers.

Hermann was the worst as usual. A regular one man band of snoring. Sometimes I wondered if his wife had gotten pregnant all those times because she was afraid of letting him fall asleep besides her.

Soon I gave up. Quietly got dressed except carrying my shoes.

I went to my locker. Got out a blue blanket with sleeves, a pillow and a gym bag. Sat in a chair in the day room and I was out like a light as the snorers snored up the upstairs.

Just after three AM there was another alarm. I threw my sleeping gear in the gym bag that I left behind and hopped the rig.

The alarm was for a third story of a twelve story office building. The security guard should have let us on the floor, but he got overwhelmed with all the crews charging in. There were two stairways. We took the left one with the engine while squad went right.

The floor was locked off the stairway. I positioned myself with the Halligan. Casey felt it with his ungloved hand and nodded at me. That was code for "This door is not hot no risk of backdraft." I popped it open and yelled "Fire department-call out!" No one answered. Meanwhile Casey donned his other glove.

Casey and I went right. Hermann and Kidd went left (most of the floor was to the right but someone had to check left.) Otis and Mouch followed me and Casey. Outside the engine would be connecting to the standpipe. Their hose crew tied into the stairway standpipe connection and followed behind Otis and Mouch ready to charge the line when necessary.

We searched with flashlights. We searched till we ran into the squad crew coming from the other side. Casey asked Severide "Find anything yet?" When that got a shake of the head they each cautiously began taking off a glove. No heat above room temperature. So they took off the other glove then their masks. (But not their tanks-they could have re-masked easy enough.) No smoke. Each crew turned around and went back to searching.

We were so used to using flashlights it wasn't till then that one of us (Hermann) thought to turn on the lights. By then we were all without gloves and mask had masks off. No smoke or heat anywhere.

Eventually we decided it was safe to leave, the alarm system must have had a glitch. Casey radioed it in as "unfounded." When we got to the street I looked up and realized we'd forgotten to turn off the lights. We didn't go back to turn them off, just like we made no effort to fix the doors we'd forced. We just drove back home.

I managed to sleep in my bunk the rest of the night. After the next crew relieved us I felt like some hot food so I stopped at a cafe and had a large steel cut oatmeal. I sat at the counter and for a drink I had some water I spiked with a lemon juice packet. On the way home I picked up a banana to round out the meal. I started eating a little over an hour after the time I'd eaten breakfast the day before on my way into the firehouse. So much for eating at same time every day.

Well another shift was over. This time I did my part. With my condition I'd felt weak as a kitten twice before and I'd needed to miss a turn on the hose/ let Otis run down and grab the jaws for someone really stuck in construction materials with the smoke getting worse. That time I think I covered by letting the victim take hits from my air bottle.

I liked to think my new diet and expanded exercise program would stop that happening a third time. The other two times I'd managed to be out of position so no one noticed, but even one more repeat and the guys could KNOW. And that would have unleash a shitstorm that would make the routine hazing feel like nursery school.

Followed, if necessary by a freeze out. The one thing I dreaded more than this adolescent hazing is being ignored. (Sounds contradictory but it was true.)

But I told myself that "I'll manage. I'm a tough firefighter." My crew could have relied on me like I relied on them. I simply couldn't imagine Casey or Hermann not giving their "A" game. Otis and Kidd always seemed solid to me. (Mouch would fade as a fire went on, but I lacked his years.)

At home I took a nap. Then was lazy time till I made tofu, broccoli and brown rice for lunch. Surfed the net a few hours then did a workout (stretch-core-50 minutes on the stationary bike-stretch.)

Joyce came back from work and asked how it was going. I rounded down and told her everything was fine. Then I asked how her day was and we went to Applebee's.

I ate carefully. She had fajitas and two adult beverages. I had a diet cola. I used to drink liquor more often.

I also used to stress eat pizza and cake after a shift, although I'd work a lot of it (but not all) off doing exercise. Sometimes I'd moonlight at a restaurant on the lunch shift. Often when I was tired from doing four or more overnight runs. Sometimes I didn't need to wonder how my body went from pre-diabetic to diabetic.


	3. Chapter 3-Second Shift Back

After two days off we returned to the firehouse.

All the drivers moved their rigs outside and parked on the "driveway" portion of the property.

While Otis checked the truck Kidd and I swept and mopped the entire apparatus floor (the '"garage" like part where the rigs were usually parked.) We used the wide brooms for the first part.

For drill Casey had us review hazardous materials procedures. We practiced looking placards up in the guidebook and procedures. Then he showed us a picture of the el tracks on his phone and we each pointed out which rail was electrified. Then we put on turn out gear and Otis drove around the block till the truck was opposite the tallest part of the firehouse.

He extended the aerial and we each took two turns carrying tools up and down. Then we retracted the aerial and we went back inside the house. Free time. Till the next alarm.

Lunch was only 10 minutes off when I like to eat. (Earlier this time.) Franklin from Engine 51 made hot dogs with fried potatoes. I of course had my food from home (I microwaved a homemade vegetarian burrito and had a blueberry and banana smoothie.) No one ragged me for it they must have been getting used to it.

We responded to only two calls before bed. The "structure fire" turned out to just be a dumpster burning. Engine 51 stretched their smallest hose and put it out with the water in their tank, not bothering to connect to a hydrant. After we checked that there are no extensions Boden radioed all units except Engine 51 back into service.

Some kids stood nearby and watched the engine hosing away, making sure to drench all the trash (instead of going through that foul smelling stuff and looking for the heart of the fire.)

Casey had us drive off not bothering to watch them finish. We've seen enough larger fires to be uninterested.

But time was I would have been one of the kids watching fascinated, entranced at the possibility of action. I'd felt the desire for excitement in my blood and wound up riding in the truck still liking the excitement but barely coping with all that goes with it.

The other call was "Truck 81. Ambulance 61. Person trapped in a back yard with shortness of breath." Dispatch gave the address. We jumped on the truck wearing our turn outs just in case but not our breathers.

We get there soon after Chicago's Finest. The boys in blue were taking cover and pointing guns. One was yelling "Put down your weapon." We took cover behind our truck.

The suspect was yelling "It's a replica!"

"Put down your weapon."

He set the rifle down and pushed it away from himself. Unasked he sat hands behind his back. The police approached and cuffed him. We followed, curious.

Up close the rifle was an obvious replica. After he's cuffed he managed to point with his left leg and yell "You cuffed me! Now help my buddy!"

So we checked the corner of the yard. There was a hole with a pile of sandbags in it. Hermann called out "I see a hand!"

The handcuffed guy said "We were going to make a YouTube video. The Trenches of Vicksburg. It collapsed!"

Otis and I held the unconscious man so he wouldn't move till he could be checked for spinal injuries. Hermann and Kidd delicately removed the sandbags. Casey watched like a supervisor or a super-gawker. Mouch waited nearby as there was no room for him. Brett put the patient on oxygen. Maybe it helped but he wasn't breathing well. As soon as he was clear Dawson and Brett got him on a backboard so Otis and I could stop.

Dawson checked him as we went. "Right leg broken!" She yelled. I ran and got the traction splint from the ambulance.

Brett listened with her stethoscope and declared "He's got tension pneumothorax."

Once his leg was splinted we got him on the stretcher. Dawson and Brett rushed him to the ambulance and pulled out, lights and siren. The police released his friend who went with him.

Usually we didn't ask how patients do. But when the ambulance got back I asked. Brett said he "was turned over to surgeons and had excellent chances"

I didn't follow up by calling the hospital. He might not have made it. I stop asking so I could count it as a win. Rare enough we made a good save. I had to take my victories where I can.

At dinner they had meatloaf with asparagus. I tried a mushroom and quinoa lettuce wrap I'd brought to the station. I must be getting used to the diet because I thought it tasted decently enough.

I felt okay at the time. Snuck into the restroom and checked my blood glucose. I was fine.

A few hours later I started to feel nauseous. Went to a stall in the restroom and tried to heave but nothing came up.

I figured the culprit was probably the mushrooms.

I just felt a little sickish and low energy. I sat around awhile net surfing on my phone then went to bed early.

At 4:20 AM an alarm came in. Someone probably thought their smoke detector was going off. I stood up and almost plopped right back down. I wished I'd had time to check my blood because I was weak as a kitten.

At home I keep juice boxes on my side of the bed to help regulate my blood chemistry. But to do that at work would be to leave a clue about my condition. I kept them in my locker and had no time to get there before the run.

So I'd have to tough it out. It's okay, I was a tough firefighter. I was the last one in the rig, but only by about a second.

The whole house was dispatched, plus another ladder and engine. But we were closer, we'd probably clear the false alarm before they get there. Squad Three was gone when I staggered through the apparatus floor. They were probably farther away, having cleared another call but not back yet.

Or, of course, they could have been on their way home and happened to be nearer to that address then the rest of us.

Severide's voice was on the radio. I listened as we speed through the night, not unlike how I'd listen to a baseball game. "Squad Three at 1414 Lardner. Smoke showing."

Great, it wasn't a false alarm. Usually I'd have been keen for a good fire. But the way I felt I didn't know if I can tough it out.

Severide was back on the airwaves "Squad Three beginning primary search."

Then "Have Ambulance 61 look at one with smoke inhalation."

Cruz's voice came on "Lieutenant-Capp and I have to move these propane cylinders out of the kitchen."

When Boden arrived he took a good look and radioed "Truck 81-get on the roof and ready to ventilate."

Then we pulled up. Two story house. A maze of trees plus the usual power lines out front. Otis said "Lieutenant, I don't think I can raise the aerial."

Casey responded "Park here. We won't need it." He took a look at the way the roof angled to a peak and said "Grab the 35."

The way I felt helping raise the 35 would be like boxing a heavyweight champ. I got out of the rig just slow enough. Hermann, Kidd and Mouch grabbed the 35 foot ladder and moved to the side Casey pointed to.

Otis grabbed a pike pole. I reached for the saw. (If we're all on ventilation duty the ladder raisers should be backed up by those ready to cut roof.) I wished I'd thought that one through. Sawing would have been so much worse than raising the ladder but I wasn't ready to admit weakness.

Severide was on the radio. "Be advised. Our primary search didn't get to the second floor back bedroom."

Boden yelled "Casey!"

Casey ordered "Tycho, Otis-grab a ladder and check the back bedroom."

Otis ditched the pike pole he was carrying. I was so relieved to set the saw aside.

Despite how weak I felt I still enjoyed practicing the instinctive wordless teamwork of well drilled firefighters. Wordlessly I moved to the back of the truck and began removing a straight ladder (non-extension ladder). Otis grabbed partway down the ladder and we moved at the same quick pace into the back yard. (One of us could have carried it but two was faster.)

As we got to the back our eyes tried to adjust to the darkness. We made out a back porch, a ledge over it and a window behind it. Moving in sync we laddered the ledge and climbed up. (I found if I pushed and let the adrenaline take over I could go on.) I tried the window. It was locked of course. So I shattered it with my axe. Smoke exited as my axe went back and forth over the edges getting rid of all the glass. I paused for breath. This shouldn't be that hard. Otis pushed the screen out of the way with a good shove.

Otis yelled "Fire Department! Call out!" Despite the lack of answer we masked up and went in. It was a large bedroom with manageable smoke and heat. (The fire was elsewhere) We dropped to a crawl position and shined our lights. For good measure we also felt with our hands and the handles of our axes. (From the window we entered I searched the right side and Otis the left.)

We didn't find any people but somehow I found a glass hamster cage with a very agitated hamster running around in it. I put it out on the ledge. Crawling in that condition felt like running up flights of stairs while healthy but I was toughing it out. I was a tough firefighter. We searched the room and began searching the hallway.

Suddenly the radio barked. First Casey reported the roof vented and that they were expanding the cut. The smoke began to thin and the heat began to ease.

We'd finished searching the room and were in the hallway unsure of if anything else needed to be searched from this side or if Squad had checked it all.

Then we heard Steve from Engine 51 radio "Charge the line."

Otis muttered through his mask "Which way are they…"

Then we heard the water spraying. They were sending the fire to me and Otis. The heat began to shoot up and the smoke got way thicker. We turned around immediately deciding to bail out. Just then the last of my energy gave out and I just couldn't go on.

I lay there a few seconds. But I knew that would get me severely burned possibly even killed. I began crawling, although every inch was like swimming up a rapids. Pure agony.

Otis was yelling. But in all the noise I couldn't make out his words. My heart was pounding like a rock band drummer.

I just needed to get to the ledge and then slide left or right and I could rest. I pulled forward. It was doable. I'd made it in.

After what seemed like an hour I reached the window. I tried to get up but just flopped down.

Hands grabbed my midsection and I was pushed out the window. I flopped to the left. Otis hopped down next to me. Otis took off his helmet and mask and ditched his harness. Then he reached over and did the same for me. He yelled, over the noise of the fire "Where were you hurt?"

I managed to weakly gasp "I wasn't."

Otis yelled on the radio urgently but calmly "Ambulance 61. Need you in back NOW."

Somehow a very shrill voice was yelling "That's no one I know it's a burglar! Arrest him!" Otis radioed "Firefighter DOWN! But clear of house!" He carried me most of the way down the ladder. About a foot from the ground he lost control and I dropped.

He shined his flashlight to illuminate me for Brett and Dawson as they ran up. Casey and the rest of my crew followed, down from the roof.

Otis yelled "He said he wasn't hurt! Medical not trauma!"

Brett and Otis began to rip off my turn out gear. Dawson grabbed my wrist and began checking my vitals.

Boden came over. Dawson reported "Tachycardia!" [Literally-fast heartbeat.]

Boden asked "What about the other patient?"

"Her smoke inhalation requires hospitalization after we stabilize Tycho. I got Capp monitoring her vitals."

"Do we need a second ambulance?"

Dawson answered instantly. Waiting for a second ambulance would require both me and "her" to wait on scene as patients cannot be abandoned, paramedic less on the promise of another ambulance. "No. She's stable and can ride to Med with us."

They put an oxygen mask on me and an EKG monitor on my chest.

Dawson asked Otis "How bad was it in there?"

Otis sounded like he's trying to explain adding one plus one and coming up with three. "Manageable. It was manageable."

Well I wasn't needed so I took a nap.

Next thing I knew I heard a loud siren. Not moving-constantly near me. I came to. Brett was driving. Dawson was watching me. A woman in pajamas sitting near me was also on oxygen. Otis held my hand and said "Stay with me brother. Stay with me."

For some reason I took the oxygen mask off and tried to ask why shoe makers were traditionally called cobblers not 'shoebblers.' All I got out was "Why shoe MMMMEEE."

Dawson slipped the mask back "You need to keep the mask on. But I'm sorry I tied your shoes together. You said they couldn't be tied together so I had to. But I'll never do it again."

I faded out again.


	4. Chapter 4-Later

Later I faded back and found myself lying in a hospital bed. I had an incoherent conversation with Dr. Choi. I couldn't understand what he was saying and I doubt he understood me when I couldn't understand me.

I came too again. Joyce was sleeping in a chair. I was shocked that she let her hair get that wild in public. Usually she won't even let me see that but will hide in the bathroom till she has it tamed.

Later a young blonde lady doctor came in. "Hi I'm Dr. Reese." She led with. She was pleasant to chat with. At least until she asked about the diabetes testing kit they'd found in my pants after they ripped my clothes off to treat me.

Eventually she got to "If you knew you were in no shape to go in through that window why didn't you just tell your boss you were sick?"

So I tried to explain about needing to be a tough firefighter. She made notes in a clipboard.

Then she asked "Do you like your job?"

I replied "I love my job. I get to help people when they need it and I get excitement."

She looked at me encouragingly. I paused and continued. "Well, not the getting up at all hours for false alarms and people who dial 911 over stubbing their toes. Or the pranks and the immature teasing. Or watching a TV show and not seeing how it ends. Or all that blood and gore. Or the changing menus and meal times. I hated those even before I had diabetes. Or all the snoring. Or the people we can't help."

So she asked me questions about some of those points. I explained. Then she asked "So how do you feel about your job?"

To my surprise I heard myself saying "I hate it. I don't know why I took it. I tried a summer fighting wildfires and was never comfortable with my crew. I prefer being on the fringes of a group not acting like I like being inside. I even had an offer for an office job I could have taken."

Right then I woke up. This time I woke all the way up- not like the last few times when I only dreamed I woke up. It was 2:10 AM (my alarm clock has a luminous dial.) I laid there for several minutes. First I needed to remember clearly just which job I'd taken. To be sure I even checked my company ID. Once I was sure I was an office worker I decided that office wasn't as bad as I thought it was. But I'd start looking for other jobs anyway. Just not in a career field with lights and sirens.

I'd keep following that as a hobby. Everyone needs a hobby.

For good measure I decided to eat a little healthier even though I didn't have any medical conditions. Maybe I could keep it that way.

I fell back asleep.

Two weeks later I wandered back into Molly's again.

Dawson and Hermann were working the bar. First was the customary greetings. Then I ordered my drink.

When she got a second Dawson came over and said "Tycho. Hear you told Otis you were thinking of getting back on the hiring list?" When I nodded she said "Nothing for sure this early, of course, but Hermann and Otis asked Boden if you could get assigned to Truck 81 on our shift and they could break you in themselves. I felt we should just be your bartenders so you could complain to us about the mean jerks in your firehouse who pick on poor candidates."

I replied "Thank you. But I decided to interview for a data management job instead."

She wished me luck.

Later Hermann came over and said "So I hear you're not going to be riding with us?"

I nodded. "I'm not made for it."

"But you're an experienced firefighter."

"I helped contain some wildfires one summer. By scraping lines of black dirt."

"None of us trained for that. What if a 15 acre forest starts burning here in downtown Chicago?" He kept such a straight face.

"If you think 15 acre wildfires are a risk in downtown Chicago you can train for it. I'm sure it's on YouTube."

He laughed. I went back to my phone, reviewing facts about the corporation I was preparing to interview for.

The End.


End file.
